My Secret 'Secret'

I have a secret.
It's not hard to guess,
It's about you.
I can't take my eyes off of you.
No matter what I do,
You're always in the back of my mind.
I may sit here and pour my heart out to you.
But there's nothing more I can do...
But to sit here and think of you.

My Unintentional Pain...

Unintentional.
That's the worse way to get hurt.
They don't even know you have feelings for them.
You start to like them,
they fall for someone else,
Isn't that how it usually goes?
...
For me,
It is.
No matter what I do,
how I act,
what I say even.
Nothing is going to change the way you see me.
Or feel about me.
I know I should just give up.
But, at this point in my life,
I've let you become a bigger part than I should have.
It was stupid of me,
reckless even.
To ensure I would just get hurt once again.
I keep talking to you.
In hopes that something will change.
...
Never does.
You're casual flirting,
and the way you speak to me.
I melt.
Under your influence.
You're my drug.
I need you to keep me alive.
You're nothing more than a simple guy to everyone else,
but to me,
you're my world.
I should not have let it advance to this.
In my case,
it was foolish.
Some call it hormones,
I call it a teenage girls soul.
One, which she would sell for anything in the world,
just to be with him.
Him:
His name,
Unique.
His voice,
amazing.
His eyes,
gorgeous.
Him.
My everything.
Me to him?
Just another girl that has fallen head over heels for him.
I'll be nothing more than that.
Just another girl.
One,
stupid girl.
This is just too much for me.
I need to move on,
get over you.
But, how do I do that when you're right there?
With me,
in my dreams...

And I feel as if I'm going insane. My body is numb, and my vision is blurred... But as I talk to you, I feel as if I'm being cured. Before you know it, I'm happy and joyous, and singing a song. But as always this doesn't last for very long. We run out of things to say, and as fast it came, it's sure to go. Every second of muteness is wasted by a period of thoughts unspoken. ...Thoughts unspoken, we both know something is being left unsaid. & until they come out, I will never know, how you feel about me, and if the way I feel about you is true.

My Senses.

My face:
Expressionless.
My voice:
No pitch.
My hearing:
Sinking.
My sight:
Blurred.
My touch:
Only felt around you.
...
You.
You're my addiction.
You're my cure.
You're the cause of my pain.
You're the reason I stay up late at night.
You're the only star in my sky.
You're the only man I see.
You.
You're the love of my life.

This might sound weird...

BUT.
I'm exceptionally happy that you're the one leading me on,
rather than someone else.
I know that's not the best thing to say.
But you're the one I would enjoy being with.
Yet, you don't want to be with me.
So, right now,
as hard as it is to say this...
I'm okay with that.
I'll stick with talking with you,
when you feel like talking.
(I will always feel like talking)
I won't message/call you first.
Only because I think it annoys you.
A few weeks ago,
You said some things that really made me think;
"Do you like me?"
"Can you see yourself with me?"
...
You say all these things.
But you never back them up.
One day, you act as though you like me,
and enjoy talking to me.
Even about the most ridiculous things.
The next,
you act like you don't want to be part of me at all.
Wtf?
I love every minute of talking to you.
I really do.
I love your sarcastic nature.
The way you express yourself,
especially when it comes to something that you love to argue about.
That's the fun part.
You rant.
A lot.
...
You have no idea just how much you've changed me.
Before I met you...
I took everything too seriously.
Now, I know when people are joking.
Annnnnnd when they're not.
I really appreciate you for that.
So, I just want to take the time to thank you.
Thank you. :]
(Even if you are leading me on)
I'm not sure why I like talking to you.
You make me feel special.
Like I have a purpose on this world.
You may not express it fully.
But when you do...
It means the world to me.
One day.
I hope I have the courage to tell you how I feel.
That day will come,
and when it does.
you'll know how I feel.
I won't have to hide it any more.

And so it begins.

Just mentally preparing myself for the hurt coming up.
I knew this was going to happen.
I can't stay happy for more than a week, without SOMETHING going wrong.
Or maybe I do it to myself.
Either way, I hope this doesn't follow me into my future.


I hope you read this and go,
"Who is she talking about?"
Then realize that you're that one.
We talked every night for about two weeks,
Late at night.
You never guessed that I may have liked you.
I know nothing will happen between us.
You like me?
Never will.
I'm not what you're looking for.
You never asked me,
so you will never know.
Hopefully,
one day, you'll come to your sense's.
And ASK me how I feel about you.
I'll tell you.
I'll ask how you feel about me,
you won't return the same feelings back.
I know this,
because there are three others.
Three others that you can't see yourself dating.
They aren't what you're looking for either.
How do I know this?
You told me.
Unsuspecting that I would be hurt by your words.
You didn't intend to hurt me,
You didn't know how I felt.
Understandable.
Maybe I should make it more clear?
No.
I will not allow myself to get hurt.
I've told you once.
Quite a while ago..
You never said anything back.
Just completely changed the subject.
How did I feel?
Not that bad considering I never let my feelings grow before I told you.
Why not?
I'm not sure.
How do I feel now?
I like you more than I did before.
I don't quite know what it is about you,
but something about you draws me in,
maybe it's the fact that you scare the living daylights out of me.
Or maybe you just have this aura around you,
that draws me in.
Makes me want you.
Maybe,
Just maybe, It's your personality.
How you can change it,
in person?
Happy, spazzing out even.
Computer?
Depressed, excited for the most ridiculous things.
And I love every bit of it.
All and all,
I hope you'll read this,
and KNOW now how I feel.
...
-Paige.
<3

My heart and soul.

I know for a fact that I'll never be quiet good enough for you .I give up and I'll let the tears fall where they may. I try so hard to help you with you're problems. Keep you out of that hole.Never will you know how much I enjoy being around you. Talking to you. You make my day brighter and you don't even know it. But I don't do the same for you..Maybe I should try harder and maybe that won't work. But maybe if you knew just how much you meant to me, you'd show some sympathy back. You still love her. She hurt you. I'm sitting here holding you up without you even knowing it. Either way, you'll never love me the same way that I love you.
-Paige.

Favorite quotes that go along with my quote...?
quote? No. SOUL.

Quotes:
"The hardest thing to do in life is to watch the one you love,
love someone else." -Unknown

"Pain is Temporary.
It may last a minute
or an hour
or a day
or a year.
But eventually it will subside,
and something else will take it's place...
If I quit, however.
It will last forever." -Unknown

Last but not least.. My favorite.
"And you always said that life is horrible,
and you had nothing to live for,
And the whole time I sat back and waited,
hoping that one day,
maybe you'd say it was me...
...but you never did." -Unknown

Annoying. :/

So, Jesus said love everyone, right? So does that mean that people hadn't evolved yet to be as annoying as they are today? There are a few people I can think of that are just impossible to love, and I'm sure its the same for just about every one else in this world. Everyone knows that one person, or for some of us lucky ones there's a few, that you can't be around for more than ten minutes before you feel like punching them in their stupid face. Maybe Jesus was just a little sly and knew who those people were, and just always steered clear of them? I can see how it would be easy to love those people if you aren't ever around them. But then you wouldn't actually be loving them, just the fact that you don't have to deal with them, and is that really better than not liking them only when they are around? I'd like to have a little sit down with Jesus and ask him a few questions about that.

The Amish have got one thing right.

You know what I've decided? Amish people, those pilgrim Mormons, and every other person that belongs to a religion where you have to dress strictly and stay covered from your neck, out to your wrists, and down to your ankles, are probably some of the luckiest people on this planet.. You want to know why? Because when they have sex, it's probably super amazing times ten. Think about this- if you lived in a community where people are covered up like that all day, every day, any showing of skin would turn you on. even if it was only a forearm, that would be some real eye-candy. Yeah, they work in those bastardly hot and extremely uncomfortable clothes all day, but when the sun goes down, I bet that town really starts creaking. It can probably be compared to any other rare thing- gold... well gold is all a can think of right now, but my point is, everyone wants what they can't have or see all the time. And in our world, we've become pretty desensitized to people showing off their goods. Think about how radical it would be if we only saw that kinda stuff once in a great while. We'd appreciate it a whole lot more, that's for sure. and we'd probably enjoy ourselves more when we got to have those special moments with the opposite sex. But in our society today, seeing skin all over, no matter where you go is pretty much impossible to get away from.

Just some pictures. (:

Me and my B-E-AUTIFUL sister! (:

Time out. (:

I learned how to change a tire.
I don't know if I still know how.
But I do remember where all the stuff is. (:

My church group sleepover!
It was lots of fun, and I got my hair done pretty!

This is deep.

"I clearly saw the skeleton underneath all this show of personality. What is left of a man and all his pride but bones?"

Ponder that.

&this..
"When was the last time you stopped dying?"

Pictures.

PICTURES OF YOU! PICTURES OF ME!
Hung up on your wall for the world to see,
Pictures of you, Pictures of me!
Reminds us all of what we used to be.
<3
Let's sing this together at midnight shall we? (:

Home sickness?

I just noticed that every time I am home sick, I just so happen to watch Twilight, Pelelope, and The House Bunny... Every time. I don't quiet understand why. (: Oh, oh, oh. I haven't made it to the last two yet! But I still have time. Speaking of movies... Twilight is the best BOOK in the world; the movie kinda sucks. Oh Pelelope! With your beautiful pig, pig nose! You are beautiful and you know it! Good thing you find love. The House Bunny, you're so adorable you make me wanna cry a little bit inside. Jay kay. I still love that movie though. (:

Oh why, oh why, do I have to be sick?
I know!
No wait: I don't.
<3>

People walk weird.

okay, so as I was eating lunch today, I started watching people walk in and out and around the store, and I noticed how differently people walk. and I'm not gonna lie, a lot of people walk like retards. I started critiquing their walks, like, how high they lift their knees , and how far out they swing their feet, what they did with their arms, where they held their hips as the move, and their overall posture and weight distribution as they took each step.. and then all of a sudden I became very self conscious. and I haven't been able to feel comfortable walking, or walk normal since. so now I feel like one of them. what have I done to myself? I'm sorry if you read this, its probably too late, but I hope no one else has to go through this. but for those of you who do, we should get together and find the perfect walk. So going back to how I was watching people walk.. It was then I realized that I think I have a staring problem. You know how when you're lookin' at people and when they look at you, you usually do that thing where you hurry and look away and pretend like you just glanced at them while you were looking around? Yeah? . . .well I realized I don't do that; I just keep looking at them, and it probably makes them really uncomfortable. . . sorry? But if people are gonna walk funny or look funny or whatever, they've got to expect a little attention for it. Sooo people like that should get used to being stared at. That's how I'm going to justify myself here.

After life?

So when we die and begin the life after this, we're supposed to return to our prime, right? well I was wondering what is going to happen to people that were born handicapped? It's not really fair to them that they weren't born as able as most people, but it also wouldn't really be fair that they would be made more perfect than some who lived an un-handicapped life and worked hard to get into their prime shape. So then I wonder, is there going to be a separate world for handicapped people? And if so, will they divide according to their handicaps the same way our world today is divided by race? Would the people with down syndrome feud with the crippled people? And what about midgets? Would they be considered handicapped and be a part of that world, or are they only considered short? Another thing to consider are the people that appear normal, but still somehow have a handicapped tag in their car and get all the good parking spots. Is the world's admittance after this one going to be judged by whether you had a tag in your car in this life or not?

Eye Patches? Come onnnnn...

So I was watching Star Wars today..It just happened to be on when I walked in the door... So I sat down for a minute. Anyway, there was this guy on there with a freakin' eye patch. Are you kidding me? Annakin Skywalker can have mechanical arms and legs grafted on and have them work better than real ones, but for some reason people are still wearing eye patches because they were looking down at their light saber when they turned it on?? Come on George Lucas... There are religions based off this movie! You can do a little better than that.

Be careful who you marry.

I've been noticing more and more that people that tend to marry people that look like themselves. All too often I see a couple that look like they could be brother and sister, but turns out they're married, and they just happen to look alike. it takes a toll on you when it happens as often as I've seen it.. a couple a walking around doing some shopping, and in my head I'm thinking, oh, how nice of brother and sister to go shopping for their mother... then they kiss and my world gets turned upside down. I become flabbergasted.. And i thinking my head, brothers and sisters don't kiss like that, unless you live in the the woodland hills of Kansas. Just kidding, but seriously... don't marry someone that looks like you. Sure you may be a good looking person and you want to marry someone with the same looks as you to pass them on to your kids, but there's always that teeny tiny slight little chance that she's the long lost sister that you never knew you had, and that's why you two are so much alike and get along so well.. I'm going to marry someone i don't get along with and that looks completely different from myself to ensure i don't wind up on a TV talk show like Maury Povich about marrying lost relatives or possibly risk producing freak children and having to throw up when i find out why. Good luck everyone. And be careful.

Friends!

Cortney!
Oh where do I begin? (: You ARE my sister!
And don't you forget it!

Scooter! You've been my friend for so long!
You're just like a sister to me!
I love you so much!

Oh, Tahni. My dearest Tahni.
MY BEST FRIEND!! I love you so freakin' much!
You're the only person that I feel comfortable
telling all my secrets to!

This is Beautiful Suz! I love this girl to death!
I'm extremely sad that she is a senior and that
I don't get to see her next year in school!
Love ya girly!

Oh, you know how we do.
We work them corners.
Just kidding. (:

Sighhh.
My Volleyball Team. <3>

This is one of the older pictures.
*Hint hint*
We wear our "stunna shades @ night". (:

I just love this crew. (:
Don't they make you wanna go hug em?

Family!

My niece at the zoo!
Isn't she just too cute?

Trying not to embarrass him too much.
Is it working? (:
By the way. . . 101 Marshmallows in his mouth!
AMAZING!

This is my cousin Jayden's team in SF.

What can I say? I love being around my cousin. (:
And what a pretty cousin she is indeed.

So, party's at my house seem to get out of control. And by that I don't mean "Woo! We're all Trashed!" I mean, we get entertained by the simplest things. Even if it is just using tape to make a basketball happy! All credit to Taylor for the 'Happy Basketball'. :D
Another example. . . Their face's are PRICELESS I mean really. All they are playing with are balls. Simple balls.

Peter Pan. <3

I went to church today. One guy talked on prayers and that if you pray about something specifically, that your prayers will be answered. This is not necessarily so. In his talk he said he and his family had a lot of work to do one Saturday, and they were behind on their work schedule and couldn't finish on Sunday. so they all sat down and prayed and he said it seemed like he got forty eight hours out of that day. Well while he was talking about that, I recalled a time that I prayed specifically for something and never got anything out of it. When I was little, I owned a little green pocket knife that I carried with me everywhere, and I played Peter Pan with it. It was one of my fondest childhood memories. I would make someone else be hook and they would be armed with a nerf ball gun and I would have my knife, and we'd fight and I'd always win, because, duh, I was Peter freakin' Pan. One day I lost my knife, and I prayed that I would find it, but I never did. I was so distraught over it and I looked everywhere for days and it meant enough to me that I was sure I would have some kind of feeling or something as to where it was at if I prayed intently and hard enough. No cigar. My mom gave me that lesson that you can't pray about material things like that, but today in church I couldn't help but wonder, if this guy can double his time and get forty eight hours of a day, why couldn't I have just found my knife? I couldn't be peter pan after that, and form then on hook ruled the world. That was a really low point in my childhood.